Issue 1: Service
A Touch Of Humor
Kids Say The Darndest Things…
THE LIGHT SIDE
A little girl wanted her daddy to tell her a story. He wove together a fine tale that involved slaves. After he finished his story,
she asked, "What's a slave, Daddy?" He explained it the best that he could. When he was through the
little girl looked up at her daddy and asked, "Is that what Mommy is?" (Humorous Notes, Quotes, And Anecdotes, Leslie and Bernice Flynn, 1973, p. 110) IOWJUL91
Adam's Prayers
Dear God,
I know I'm supposed to pray every day. But God, I had a real long day. I just want to go to sleep. Remember those prayers I told you last night? Well, could you reuse them? Thanks, God.
Love, Adam
P.S. I'll talk to you tomorrow!
ARE YOU A PUMPKIN?
from Tina
A lady had recently been baptized. One of her coworkers asked her what it was
like to be a Christian. She was caught off guard and didn't know how to
answer; but when she looked up, she saw a jack-o'-lantern on the desk and
answered, "It's like being a pumpkin." The coworker asked her to
explain that one. "Well, God picks you from the patch and brings you in
and washes off all the dirt on the outside that you got from being around
all the other pumpkins. Then he cuts off the top and takes all the yucky
stuff out from inside. He removes all those seeds of doubt, hate, greed,
etc. Then he carves you a new smiling face and puts his light inside of you
to shine for all to see. It is our choice to either stay outside and rot on
the vine or come inside and be something new and bright." I'll never
look at a pumpkin the same way again !!
The Pit
by Barbara, Texas
A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out.
A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."
An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."
A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."
A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.
A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.
An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.
A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."
A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."
A psychiatrist observed, "The pit is just in your mind."
A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."
A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."
An optimist said, "Things could be worse."
A pessimist claimed, "Things will get worse."
Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.
Note: The above story reminds us of The Good Samaritan, doesn't it? The greatest service we can give is to extend a helping hand… without judgment or comment.
Luke 10:30 Jesus replied, "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him, and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 Now by chance a priest was going down that road; and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. 32 So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan while traveling came near him; and when he saw him, he was moved with pity. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, having poured oil and wine on them. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said, "Take care of him; and when I come back, I will repay you whatever more you spend.' 36 Which of these three, do you think, was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?" 37 He said, "The one who showed him mercy." Jesus said to him, "Go and do likewise."
SEVEN WONDERS
by Tina
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes: 1.Egypt's Great Pyramids, 2. Taj Mahal, 3. Grand Canyon, 4. Panama Canal, 5.Empire State Building, 6. St. Peter's Basilica, 7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. So, she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are: 1.to touch, 2. to taste, 3. to see, 4. to hear. She hesitated a little, and then read 5. to run, 6. to laugh, 7. and to love.
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary." May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
The Bible in 50 Words
by Richard J. Frederick, Elkhart, Indiana
God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.
Note: "Dad" F. went on to be with the Lord this year. He was a blessing to many, but especially to me.
THE 7-UPS OF LIFE
by Debbie B. Scottsdale, Arizona
1. Wake Up - Decide to have a good day.
"This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24)
2. Dress Up - The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
"God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1Samuel 16:7)
3. Shut Up - Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking.
"The one who guards his mouth preserves his life." (Proverbs 13:3)
"A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much." (Proverbs 20:19)
"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise." (Proverbs 19:20)
4. Stand Up - For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything.
"Let us not become weary in doing good; for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good… " (Galatians 6:9-10)
5. Look Up - To the Lord.
"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)
6. Reach Up - For something higher. Always try to better yourself.
"…keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God." (Colossians 3:1)
7. Lift Up - Your prayers.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God". (Philippians 4;6)
Remember the 7-ups of life--GOD BLESS YOUR DAY!
"INFORMATION PLEASE"
by Jody N. Carefree, Arizona
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information, Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
"Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information". "I hurt my finger…" I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open the icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information, please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk, that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts. Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called "information please" and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was unconsoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone. "Information, please."Information," said the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much."Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.
As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy. A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and "Information, please."Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well."Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?" "I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean." I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never under estimate the impression you may make on others.
Whose life have you touched today?
Look closely at this picture. Is she young or old?
An Old Lady's Poem
by "Dad" F Elkhart, Indiana
What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply,
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe….
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill….
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten…with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play around my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman …. and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years …. all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; look closer … see ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within it. We will one day be there, too!
To the world, you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
A Friend
(A)accepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you
(even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
Christian Bumper Stickers
by Barbara in Texas
- Be Fishers of Men…. You catch 'em, He'll clean 'em.
- A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
- Family altar can alter a family.
- A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
- Do your best and then sleep in peace.
- God is Awake.
- Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!
- For all you do, His blood's for you!
- Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
- God doesn't want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest!
- God doesn't grade on a curve, but on the cross.
- Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
- He who angers you, controls you!
- He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
- Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
- Man's way leads to a hopeless end!
- God's way leads to an endless hope!
- Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
- Never give the devil a ride. He always want to drive!
- Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
- The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
- This Church is "Prayer Conditioned"!
- We don't change the message, the message changes us.
- We set the sail; God makes the wind.
- We're too blessed to be depressed.
- Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.
- Worry is the darkroom in which "negatives" are developed.
- You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
THE ANT AND THE CONTACT LENS
by Chris S. Poway, California
Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go rock climbing. Although she was scared to climb, she went with her group to a tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear, took a hold on the rope, and started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, the safety rope snapped against Brenda's eye and knocked out her contact lens.
Well, here she is on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping it had landed on the ledge, but it just wasn't there. Here she was, far from home, her sight now blurry. She was desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her to find it.
When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was no contact lens to be found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff. She looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that Bible verse that says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me."
Finally, they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom there was a new party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?" Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across the face of the rock, carrying it.
Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with the words, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You."
I think it would probably do some of us good to occasionally say, "God, I don't know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will."
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of existence and my Savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I am nothing, but...
"…with Him I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13)
Children Tell It As They See It
by Marty C., Vermont
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER! by then. - Camille, 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, 8
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.- Anita, 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kevin, 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, 10
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